Parts: Part 3!

You are not expected to be able to do parts work alone.  Even in the books that have been written about parts work, the authors suggest finding a therapist if you can.  Thinking your many distressing thoughts/feelings/behaviors as parts can be a bit confusing as you get started.

Some people find that they can say hello inside of themselves and immediately strike up a productive, compassionate conversation.  Just lovely.  However, most people don’t find that things go so smoothly at first.  People tell me things like

·      I couldn’t find my parts.

·      I noticed my parts once this week.

·      My parts just hid and wouldn’t talk to me.

·      I didn’t know how to respond to them.

·      They are angry at me.

·      By the time I figured out that it was parts, they were gone and wouldn’t come talk to me.

In part 3, we are looking at the really big question: What if I can’t find my parts?  Indeed.  If you can’t find them, then you might think it could be hard to connect with them or talk to them.  It would seem that there’s no “parts work” without parts.  There are three main possibilities when you can’t find your parts.

·      You might be seeing the parts but not recognizing your thought/action/emotion as a part.

·      It could be that the Manager is trying to do the parts work instead of the adult self.

·      The parts might not trust the adult self enough to show themselves yet. 

Noticing the Parts:

It’s okay if you’re struggling to figure out what’s a part and what’s not a part.  This is a new way of thinking about ourselves and it can take time to put this different spin on it.  Especially at first, it’s common to recognize that a part was at work afterwards, maybe the next day you can see it.  You can try to take a moment to reflect at the end of the day.  When did you see a part appear earlier in the day?  Was there a stressful moment when you snapped, yet again, at your spouse?  Hm, perhaps that was a part.

Addressing the Manager:

In part 2, you read about the Manager.  It’s the part that is often critical, demanding, controlling, and directing everyone.  She’s trying to control the parts because some of their behaviors really bother her.  She can’t stand to hear crying or complaining.  She gets mad when the parts just want to sit in front of the TV and not get things done.  She doesn’t like to get out of the driver’s seat because catastrophe could strike.  Understandably, the parts don’t tend to feel safe around her and don’t really want to come out and chat with her.  If it’s the Manager who’s trying to do the parts work and is looking for the parts, you’re likely stuck there until she agrees to take a seat.  You’ll know she’s in the lead if she wants to talk to the parts just so that she can crack the whip.  “I need to tell them to stop being so lazy!”  Uh, yeah.  That’s the Manager.  If you realize that the Manager is trying to do your parts work for you, the next step is to help her relax so that your adult self can take the lead.

Convincing the Manager to let the adult self take the lead can be super tricky!  That is usually the last thing she wants to do.  If you grew up with adults who weren’t competent for any reason, who expected you to be an adult long before if it was time, then that Manager part of your brain has learned not to give up her seat to an adult, including you.  The first step in adjusting that dynamic is to give the Manager a lot of respect.  “I am just now realizing that you have been working really hard since I was 11 years old to do adult things that were way too hard for you!  I’m so sorry that you’ve been working on your own all this time.  Thank you for getting me through so many things.  You’ve done really well.”  Lots of people find it really hard to say that to the same part of themselves who is internally beating you up all day every day.  This is the part that calls you a loser, fat, dumb, rejected.  She heaps on the guilt and shame.  This is the same part that we now need to befriend before we can proceed.  It’s challenging.

We always remind the parts that we aren’t getting rid of them.  We aren’t trying to control them.  No one is getting lost.  No part will have her power stripped away.  We don’t ask the Manager to give up her job.  We don’t assign her a new job.  We only ask her to consider taking a seat.  We invite her to watch and see how your adult self behaves.  If she thinks your adult self is incompetent, she gets to step back up.  Taking away her power would only cause her to feel unsafe and disrespected.  And so she gets to stay.  Just as she is.  She can watch and decide for herself if anything is different this time.

When the Parts Don’t Trust the Adult Self:

Let’s say you are feeling very present, you’ve had a calm day, and you’d like to sit down and do a little parts work.  Yesterday wasn’t so easy.  You’re sure there were some parts involved in your reactions to things, and now you’re ready to take some time to work on it.  You start by saying “hello” inside and nothing happens.  You keep going and start a conversation by stating the obvious, “Yesterday was really hard and I said some things that I didn’t want to say.  I lost my cool and I had promised myself I wouldn’t lose my cool this time.”  And nothing happens.  Aren’t the parts supposed to appear?  Aren’t they supposed to get involved in the conversation?  You feel discouraged.  You wait.  Nothing happens.

You haven’t just failed at parts work.  And this doesn’t mean that parts work doesn’t work.  If you are prepared to be patient with the parts and not berate them or get mad at them, then it sounds like the Manager is hanging back and letting your adult self take the lead.  Great!

Imagine that your 5-year old niece is visiting your place, and she has spilled the milk.  In her home, she gets in trouble when she spills milk.  “You are so clumsy!  Why can’t you pay more attention?!”  She gets sent to her room.  Her family comments on it again the next day when they pour her milk.  Now she’s at your house.  You are the nice aunt or uncle.  Patient, kind.  But this is the first time she has spilled milk at your house.  She doesn’t expect you to be patient and kind.  She expects shame.  When you say to her, “Oh!  It looks like the milk spilled.  I’ll go get a rag.”  She just runs out of the room!  And so you clean up the milk, pause, see if she comes back on her own.  She doesn’t.  Then, giving her just the right amount of space, you say to her in a soft voice, “I’ve got the milk all cleaned up.  No worries at all.  Are you ready to come back to the table?  Do you want more milk?  Maybe I can find a better glass for you.  That one was probably too clunky and heavy.”  She may or may not come back to the table.  If you force her to come back to the table, then we’re moving backwards.  She gets to freely choose whether or not to return to the table.

Back to you and your parts.  There you are, sitting down to have a nice chat with your parts about the bad day you had yesterday.  It’s okay if the parts don’t seem to show up.  It’s really important for them to experience you having a kind chat (even if it feels one way) about a hard time.  They will show up when they are ready.

AND.  As you have that little chat (seemingly with yourself and no one listening) you might start to have a shift in your feelings.  Do you start to feel just a little sad?  Does your mind dart to something else that might seem unrelated at first?  Consider those to be communications from the parts.  In the example with the niece and the spilled milk, perhaps you are speaking kindly to her and she starts to cry.  That might surprise you because you were so nice to her, but she had all this emotion about the spilled milk, expecting to be in trouble.  Now that it seems safe, her tears spill.  That’s great, actually.  Now, what do you do when a young child has tears?  Do you offer her a hug?  Back to you, there you are, being kind to yourself about the bad day and you find you start to feel sad.  Great!  Do you need a hug?  Cool.  Sounds like the parts are showing up.

Sometimes, in the middle of an internal conversation about the bad day yesterday, we’ll suddenly have a memory of a different (seemingly random) thing that happened in the past.  Let’s say it’s of stepping on your cat’s tail when you were six.  At first, you think, oh I’m just getting distracted.  Actually, it could be that your parts are telling you something.  What happened when you stepped on the cat’s tail?  Did you feel huge shame?  Did the cat bite or scratch you?  Did a parent overreact or misunderstand you?  Have a little chat with the parts about that.  “Yes, you’re right.  That did happen.  I remember that.  I felt terrible about it.  Also, I was six.  I was still figuring out the world.  It’s okay that six-year-olds make mistakes.  And yes, it wasn’t kind that mom hit you after that.  She shouldn’t have done that. You didn’t deserve it.  You weren’t a bad kid.”  Thinking about yourself, as your best self, in your best moment, what would you do if a six-year-old stepped on a cat’s tail?  Wouldn’t you give him a hug and say something like, “Oh honey, let’s be more careful around the cat.  Were you surprised that the cat scratched you?”

Another point that I’m intending to make here is that we don’t expect young children to have lengthy, eloquent, insightful conversations about their mistakes.  It’s very likely that we aren’t going to get those kinds of responses from our parts either.  That’s just fine.

Parts work is about building a relationship with yourself, between an adult self who can competently take the lead and parts who are allowed to exist, be present, and be their best selves.  All of this work requires radical compassion and acceptance of self.  You’re worth it.