Parts: Part 4—More questions about parts work

I can’t find the adult self.

If you are far enough along that you notice the parts are in control and that you can’t find the adult self, then you’re doing well, actually!  When the parts are in control, it can be super hard to notice that it seems like the adult self is missing.  If you can sometimes notice that, you are on the right path.

I promise you, the adult self is there.  It’s just that the parts are so loud, they can’t hear her.  Imagine a noisy classroom where the students have been on their own for a while.  An adult could walk into the class, walk to the front of the room and not even be heard or seen.  Some teachers might begin by saying the names of individual students.  Hi Jesse, I see you.  Please take your seat.  Susan, there you are.  Please find your chair and sit down.  And so on.  You can do the same thing.  Start naming what you see going on.  “I can tell a part of me is really worried about something.  Would you be willing to find a chair and sit down?  Oh, and another part of me is angry about what happened early today.  That makes sense.  Can you sit down, too?  Ah yes, a part of me feels guilty, like I should have been able to stop it from happening again.  I get it.  Can you also sit down?”  It’s okay if it takes time.  It’s okay if they won’t sit down today, but maybe they start to notice that you are noticing them.  All of that is a step forward.

After you’ve spent a little time noticing the parts, take a look through the 8 c’s (compassion, clear, calm, curious, connected, creative, courageous, confidence).  Can you see any of those attributes starting to show up?  Now you have access to the adult self.

I checked in with the parts and that didn’t fix it.

Hehe.  Oh, you were trying to control the parts?  You came in with an agenda?  Hm.  Yeah, they don’t like that, and you wouldn’t either.  Our culture is firmly built on the idea that we should be able to set a goal—any goal—and meet that goal.  We want to “get rid” of our anxiety, lack of confidence, depression, guilt, and so on.  Those are unrealistic goals.  We aren’t going to get rid of those things.  Ever.  We aren’t supposed to get rid of those things; they are part of our humanity.  They carry important messages for us.  Without them, we would be in trouble.

Client: I want to stop feeling bad when my mother calls me names.

Counsellor: Yeah, it’s got to feel really terrible when your mom calls you names.  I can see why you wouldn’t want to feel that way.

Client: So how can I stop feeling that way?

Counsellor: You mean, you’d like to be able to see your mom, hear her say mean things to you, and not feel anything at all?

Client: Definitely.

Counsellor: Well, to not feel anything at all, you would need to be a robot or an asshole.  I can’t turn you into a robot or an asshole.  We’re supposed to feel bad when bad things happen to us.

Client: Then what am I supposed to do?

Counsellor: That yucky feeling is telling you something.  What’s the message it’s giving you?

Client: Not to see my mother anymore?

Counsellor: That’s one possibility.  Or you could ask her to stop.  Or you could see less of her or only see her in situations where she’s less likely to say those things.

Client: What about my yucky feeling?

Counsellor: When you protect that precious part of you, the parts of you that hold those yucky feelings will probably start to feel better knowing that you are taking good care of them.  When you keep seeing your mom all the time, you’re not really keeping your parts safe.  Let’s figure out how you can take good care of these young parts of you.

Checking in with the parts when you have an uncomfortable emotion helps you feel internally heard, seen, supported, and connected.  It helps you get more clear about what you might want to do.  It is the opposite of getting rid of a part of you.  “Fixing” the emotion by attempting to silence it or get rid of it will only keep you stuck feeling distressed, unheard, unseen, unsupported, disconnected, and tends to make the emotions even louder.

How do I “agree creatively”?

When we start to dialog with parts, I always encourage my clients to agree with them creatively.  Other people might use the term “validate.”  I feel like “agree” is a bit clearer and also more challenging.  Yes, I want you to agree with your parts as much as possible.

Easy--

Part: I feel sad because no one remembered my birthday.

Adult self: Yeah, I hear that you feel sad.  That makes so much sense.  It is sad when people forget my birthday.

A little more tricky—

Part: I am so mad! I’m going to go punch that guy!

Adult self: Yep, I can tell that you’re really, really mad.  It makes sense that you would be that mad when someone insulted you.  Of course, I can’t let you punch that guy, but boy would he be surprised if you did!

Super tricky—

Part: I am a complete failure.  I shouldn’t even be here anymore. (as in suicidal ideation)

Adult Self: [sigh] yeah.  It’s a super heavy feeling today.  We have a long list of challenges right now.  I can see why they would overwhelm you, so much that it seems like a good idea to just stop trying completely.  Let’s see what happens tomorrow.

Always avoid getting into an argument with your parts.  Your goal is always to connect with your parts.  Arguments might be engaging, but they sure aren’t connecting.  Your parts long for someone to hear them and understand them.  You get to provide them an experience of being heard and seen.  The good feeling that gives them is yours!

Lots of people understandably worry that agreeing with the emotion will make it bigger.  Instead, it usually helps things calm down.  It’s when we aren’t heard that the emotion gets bigger, trying to get our attention.

Sometimes the part might have an emotion that doesn’t make sense to you initially.  Even then, you start by agreeing.

Part [crying]: You cut the zucchini plant!

Adult self: I can see you’re really sad about this.  That’s a lot of sadness.  To be honest, I’m confused.  Why are we crying about the zucchini plant?

Part [still crying]: We aren’t going to get any more zucchini this year!

Adult self: Yes, I can see you’re really upset.  This sure is a big emotion.  Also, you don’t usually buy a lot of zucchini in the summer.  I’m still confused.

Part [crying slows down, pause]: Oh!  My parents died.  When I was a kid, we grew a lot of zucchini in the garden. I’ve been connecting with my parents through the zucchini!  Oh, this is grief!  I didn’t realize that until now.

Adult self: Can I hold you?  I’m really sorry you lost your parents this year.

Don’t tell the parts that everything is going to be okay.

At all times, we want to be fully honest with the parts.  Just like when talking to young kids, parts don’t always need to hear the whole story, but they need and deserve honesty.  The moment you start to sugar-coat things or outright lie to them, you’ll lose their trust.  You don’t know that things will be okay, and the parts already know that things were really not okay in the past.  What they need to know is that whatever happens, you’ll take responsibility for it.  Or they might like to hear that you’ll be with them no matter what.  You know, you could even just ask them what they need to hear.