Counselling For Men

Our culture has focused on women’s issues for decades and for good reason.  Women get lower pay for the same jobs, have higher rates of depression and anxiety, are more likely to be over worked and carry a larger share of the household duties, and one out of three women have been victims of abuse.

Yet the same forces that are causing issues for women, also cause issues for men.  These can be harder to see and harder to address.

Somehow, our culture has come to a silent agreement that men are not supposed to have problems.  They are not supposed to feel pain.  They do not suffer from depression.  They do not have needs or ask for help.  It’s the women who suffer, not the men.  It’s the women who have emotions.  Our culture has painted men into a corner where if they recognize their emotions and their needs or if they ask for help, then they are doing a thing that only women do.  And to be anything like a woman, means to be less than.  It means they have failed.

When I counsel men, it is ever so obvious to me how very similar men are to any other human.  Men have emotions.  They love their partners, want to do well by them, and want to stay connected to them.  Just like everyone else, men are affected by the messages of society, buckling under the mixed messages about who they are supposed to be.

Men also have specific fears that don’t come up as often for women.  Most men fear that they will fail.  We have put men up on a pedestal that comes with benefits as well as tons of judgement if they should fall.  You might not expect it, but the men who fail the least, often end up with the biggest fear of failing.  How in the world do you move forward like that, other than to cut yourself off from all emotion and connection to others?

A similar trap that some men end up in is not taking enough responsibility for their lives and their family, work, or community around them.  Speaking in generalities, society trains women to take on more than their share of responsibility and to hold an active awareness of the people around them and what they might need.  Society hasn’t had the same expectation of men, so men haven’t been pressed into learning how to share that responsibility.  Yet, in order to have fulfilling relationships, productive employment, thriving families, and safe communities, men will need to learn how to take on that responsibility.  But how?  It’s a different way of thinking and living in the world that can grate against some deeply held beliefs about what it means to be a man.

How do we move forward?  How can men live their lives in a way that is healthier and yet in line with their values?  Is it possible to be a man and have emotional and relational health?

Yes, it is possible.

The therapy tools we use at Pacific Waters Counselling go beyond talk therapy, nor will we have you sitting there just trying to feel a feeling.  When you do have feelings, we won’t be telling you that they are wrong.  We also won’t be letting you sit there with an intense feeling.

Instead, we use therapy tools that start right where you are now.  We explain emotion, culture, attachment, and relationship in ways that are clear and non-judgemental.  We help you notice the feelings you are already having that you might have missed, and work with you to keep the emotions at a manageable level.

We work from a framework that believes that men are human, and as humans, men have emotions, needs, and fears just like everyone else.  Men are not impervious to pain or shame and they are not supposed to be.  We believe that men thrive in connection and relationship and productivity.

Just like everyone else.